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Fall 2003, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying & Love the Fact That a Lot of Bad Movies are Coming Out

by : DokBrowne [ email this article to a friend ]
 
Except for the love part.

Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star (D+) - yet another one of those quickie SNL-star vehicles where he plays a one-gimmick character who indulges in his little wacky, self-centered world for a while before becoming a better, more mature (aka less funny) person. Also co-starring a bunch of decent actors who have no business wasting their time this way. In this case, all the real-life child stars who appear in the movie deserve to embarrass themselves, but then there's the lovely, underrated Mary McCormack. At least it gives me a secret motive for seeing the movie (I'll readily admit that David Spade is one of my favorite comedians, but only when he's NOT doing conceptual remakes of "Joe Dirt")

Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World (C) - I hate Russell Crowe. This looks like a step down for Peter Weir

The Human Stain (C-) - Nicole Kidman and Anthony Hopkins in a movie about terrible secrets, torrid love affairs, and the devastating consequences of both. Glorified Oscar bait

Once Upon a Time in Mexico (B+) - how do you top a cast list like "Desperado"'s? By adding Johnny Depp as a sinister gunman and Willem Dafoe as a Mexican drug lord. If only Rodriguez could have written a resurrection for Steve Buscemi, then the clan would be complete

Cold Creek Manor (C-) - it was an enticing poster, but the trailer makes it look like "What Lies Beneath" meets a rural "Panic Room", with Stephen Dorff as Dwight Yoakam/Jared Leto and Dennis Quaid as a possibly evil husband. Also, I wish Sharon Stone would retire already

Anything Else (B-) - I hope for the very best from Woody Allen, whose remarkable career I have just recently begun to enjoy. Jason Biggs and Christina Ricci are actors I like quite a bit, too, even though she's intolerably annoying in the trailer

The Rundown (C+) - basically a less mystical "Bulletproof Monk", with old-fashioned action-adventure ideals (jungles? That is so '80s) and a comically mismatched duo featuring the stoic hero (The Rock in place of Chow Yun Fat) and scrappy rat-face himself (Seann William Scott). Add a girl arbitrarily (Rosario Dawson, not Jamie King), cast a good villain (Christopher Walken, and an oversight on behalf of "Monk"), and kazaam, a mediocre buddy action comedy that will be promoted endlessly before being forgotten almost instantaneously upon release. It could have the makings of some good trashy entertainment, but all the scenes in the trailer are simply inanely derivative

The Order (D) - the annual sleepy, long-delayed occult horror dud ("Stigmata", "Lost Souls", "The Ninth Gate", etc.). And there's something strangely disconcerting about the reunion of THREE of Helgeland's "Knight's Tale" stars (Heath Ledger, Mark Addy, and Shannyn Sossamon)

Under the Tuscan Sun (C-) - um, no thanks

Secondhand Lions (D+) - reminiscent of "Holes", but that had a bad trailer itself, so who knows. Haley Joel Osment, unfortunately, isn't aging very well

Underworld (C) - "Blade" meets "The Matrix" meets the inescapable hypoe of "The Matrix". I'm so tired of hearing about this movie. Vampires and werewolves in stylish clothing doing slow motion battles amidst pretentious melodrama. Seeing as how I don't role-play, this movie probably isn't for me

The Fighting Temptations (C+) - corny as it looks, I want this movie to succeed. It just looks like a feel-good picture, of which there are far too few these days. And I'm still rooting for Cuba to score a comeback. AND Beyonce is super-fine. I'm shallow

Lost in Translation (B+) - Bill Murray + Scarlett Johansson + the director of "The Virgin Suicides" + that movie's sense of quiet, reflective profundity = potential for greatness

Matchstick Men (C+) - seems trite for the collective talent of Ridley Scott, Nicolas Cage, Sam Rockwell, and the writer of "Ocean's 11", especially with its dorky, outdated father-daughter premise. If it were just about the matchstick men, it wouldn't sound quite as superfluous.

Shaolin Soccer (B+) - good times

Party Monster (A-) - never mind Macaulay Culkin (curious though I am) - this is the movie that will show everyone the brilliance of Seth Green. Assuming it gets a release wider than 5 screens nationwide, which it won't. Oh well...another sensational Seth Green performance for me to obsess over, anyway

Mystic River (C) - Clint Eastwood just ain't my thing. Nonetheless, I likes me some Kevin Bacon, and aside from the vile Sean Penn, it's an interesting ensemble of seasoned professionals. I'm intrigued (and the Entertainment Weekly fall preview mentions a scene in which Bacon points his finger at Penn as if it were a gun...which is either overstating something mundane, or simply stupid beyond words. I have to find out for myself)

Intolerable Cruelty (B) - strangely conventional-seeming for the Coens, but if they want to make a fun, bright movie with gorgeous, enthusiastic stars, I'm sure they can deliver the goods

Runaway Jury (B) - I'm pretty sure the demand for suspenseful John Grisham courtroom movies has completely ceased since the thudding failures of "The Chamber" and "The Rainmaker", but I'm a sucker for a cool cast, and pairing Dustin Hoffman with Gene Hackamn sounds about as explosively awesome as when Pacino and De Niro shared that scene in "Heat", only even better since this time it's a miniscule firecracker of a thespian paired with someone I actually really like. Plus there's also Jeremy Piven and John Cusack, taking their goofy partnership out of the quirky romantic comedy and into the sophisticated big-budget drama

In the Cut (C-) - yay for female directors, but I was no fan of "The Piano", and to be absolutely honest and hypocritical, this movie only interests me for the buzz of Meg Ryan doing hardcore sex and nudity. If she's not gonna do Nora Ephron material anymore, I guess this is the next best thing

The School of Rock (B+) - oh, how I've dreamed of seeing a movie like this. Except it was about an actual school of rock, not a "Kindergarten Cop" retread. I'm trying to keep the hope alive, though. The music element could still succeed (I worship Tenacious D), and after all, it's Richard Linklater and Mike White both behind the scenes. Either way, at least Jack Black will kick ass

Kill Bill (B+) - my feelings about this haven't really changed since the first moment Quentin Tarantino suggested making it: I have faith in him to make it incredible and, as we've all been speculating, even groundbreaking, but it's walking the finest conceivable line between glory and horrible crap. For one thing, it's a thoroughly disappointing cast full of has-beens. For another, it looks extremely hokey; I'm not a fan of the '70s, least of all old school martial arts, so I can't help but think that all the costumes and sets look just plain ugly and cheap. Nevertheless, the mythos surrounding the movie (200-page script, splitting it into 2 chapters, it being Tarantino's first real project in over 6 years) is enough to keep me excited

Pieces of April (B) - Sundance liked it; Katie Holmes is in it - I'm sold

Shattered Glass (C) - could easily turn out to be a laughably bad made-for-TV-quality drama. Casting Hayden Christensen to do his wooden soap opera theatrics wasn't a smart defense, even if that's one of the only reasons I'd ever want to see this movie

Brother Bear (D) - all-around unspectacular melding of "The Lion King" and "The Bear". Some of the animation is pretty, but the sentimentality and humor are truly un-bear-able. Hey, I wonder if I'm the first person to criticize the movie that way. I'm happy to start accepting royalties

Beyond Borders (F) - Angelina Jolie does not make good movies. I have NEVER seen her in a movie that I liked even a little bit. I don't even know anything about this movie, but I'm already willing to bet $500 million that it will be universally panned. Which is a shame for my sweet co-starring Teri Polo. She always gets the short end of the stick

Gothika (D-) - overhyped psychological horror

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (B+) - though it looks suspiciously shot-for-shot re-filmed in many scenes from the trailer, and despite this being the 80th '70s horror revival flick of the year, I gotta go with the majority and declare that the trailer is just plain neat. Artfully done, visually captivating, nerve-wracking without revealing too much (to people who've never seen the original, anyway; it actually shows most major scenes, when I think it'd have been better had the whole revealing 2nd half of the movie been kept under wraps)

Veronica Guerin (D) - another one of Schumacher's small, personal films? This is a far cry from "Batman and Robin". Doesn't interest me

Out of Time (D) - the title might work if it were about time-traveling; otherwise it belongs in the Steven Seagal school of ultra-generic action drama titles. Frankly, with co-stars like Dean Cain and Eva Mendes, and such a boring, cliched plot, I'm dumbfounded as to Denzel's involvement. "Devil in a Blue Dress" wasn't that great a movie in any way, so reuniting with its director doesn't seem that important. I'm sure he'll be his usual riveting self, but the fact is this'll still be a terrible movie

Good Boy! (FFF) - I haven't seen a worse trailer since Dana Carvey's "The Master of Disguise" from last year around the same time. A curse on anyone who sees this movie. Ever.

Scary Movie 3 (B) - Trading in the Wayans Bros. for a barnyard full of washed-up losers doesn't exactly rejuvenate this series the way it's meaning to based on the word of mouth. I like Charlie Sheen as much as the next person with very poor taste, and God save poor misguided Jeremy Piven, but c'mon, somewhat fresh movie-spoofing material or not, this just looks awful. And honestly, that cast - Simon Cowell, Eddie Griffin, Pam Anderson, Jenny McCarthy, Queen Latifah, Anthony Anderson, Denise Richards, D.L. Hughley, Macy Gray, Ja Rule, Master P, Leslie Nielsen, Camryn Manheim - I mean, talk about your natural born comedians. :(

Cat in the Hat (D) - another grotesquely, wrongly live-action, gratuitously padded (for feature length) bastardization of a Dr. Seuss book starring a famous comedic actor (cough*box office insurance*cough) as the titular scamp. Why didn't Ron Howard go ahead and direct this one as well? It looks exactly the same

The Matrix Revolutions (B) - don't know how much "Matrix" we can stand, but I don't doubt that this will be as good as the sequel, which is to say, maddeningly superficial but totally badass when it comes to the pointless action sequences

Elf (C-) - I see the promise here, and his name is Will Ferrell (I also happened to notice that while it may not be the most interesting of premises, it is in fact one of the very few original ones I've heard all year), but I suspect it'll be lame

Love Actually (B+) - another rich, witty British romantic comedy? They're usually reliable. Not even Liam Neeson can't ruin my hopes for this one

Radio (C) - Cuba's gonna get another royal roasting, I bet. He might be genuinely good playing a mentally-handicapped good old boy befriended by gruff coach Ed Harris, but since the movie comes off as overly sappy (not to mention a wee bit overly familiar), I assume people will not take kindly to it

The Haunted Mansion (C-) - I'll see it for the set design and atmosphere, if there is any, as well as for the chance to catch Wallace Shawn in one of his bit roles, but I've said it before and I'm saying it again: adapting Disney rides to the big screen is a bad idea. I have nothing against finding inspiration in the most desperate of places, but Pirates of the Caribbean and the Haunted Mansion are rides that mean a great deal to me. Eternal whimsy, childhood nostalgia, all that stuff. So it's not quite right when you see that Jerry Bruckheimer is producing "Pirates" and Eddie Murphy, aka Hackosaurus, aka He Who Does Not Practice Quality Control for Kids, aka The Guy Who's Only Ever Funny in Cartoons Now, is headlining "Haunted Mansion". That means it's gonna be a very specifically Murphy-tailored bumbling comedy with childish slapstick that just uses the Disney ride's logo and backdrop to sell more tickets. Just like "Pirates" did, only replace childish slapstick with mindless Bruckheimer action

Big Fish (A-) - the return of Tim Burton! With Ewan McGregor and Steve Buscemi! This could be a genuine winner for Burton, his first substantial (yet still deliriously characterized in fantasy) effort since "Ed Wood" (his best movie, if you ask me)

House of Sand and Fog (?) - huh? Maybe I've been soaking up the outlandish plotting of all those summer movies, but this sounds dull. Jennifer Connelly, Ben Kingsley, blech

21 Grams (D-) - I just can't stand Sean Penn. Watching him play a terminally ill mathematician might be the most grueling exercise I'll ever endure, so unless this gets extraordinarily positive reviews, I'm keeping my distance

Duplex (C+)

Honey (D) - "Glitter" starring hottie Jessica Alba

Bad Santa (B-)

Looney Tunes: Back in Action (F)

Timeline (C+)

The Last Samurai (B-)

The Alamo (D)

Stuck to You (B)

Mona Lisa Smile (F)

The Missing (D-)

Something's Gotta Give (C)

Cold Mountain (C)

The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (C-/B)

Paycheck (D-)

Cheaper by the Dozen (F)

The Company (B)

Highwaymen (C)

Love Don't Cost a Thing (C+)

Peter Pan (C-)

Calendar Girls (C-)

To Be Continued...


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