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The Stallone Problem

by : Jeff_Wilder [ email this article to a friend ]
 
Well the news out of Hollywood does not bode too well for the future of moviegoers who prefer to see movies about their heroes that star people who can actually bring them to life. According to MTV News: “Sylvester Stallone is slated to write, direct and star in a film about the deaths of Biggie and Tupac and the Los Angeles Police Department corruption scandal that lurks beneath the story…In the movie — which Variety reports will be shot from several different perspectives like the Japanese film classic "Rashomon" — Stallone will play LAPD detective Russell Poole.”

I can already hear the roars of laughter and heckling that will doubtlessly emerge from the movie-going public once this story really starts getting into the press. I can hear some comedian saying, “Stallone’s going to try to do an Eminem imitation and make a hip-hop Rhinestone”. Many critics will doubtlessly wonder if Mr. Stallone really did suffer serious brain damage the last time he went into the ring as Rocky in 1990. My response to them is this: Yes, although it should have become apparent to you that the brain damage occurred a lot earlier than then. Since his third-go round as the Italian Stallion in 1982, Mr. Stallone has portrayed himself as a man living in his own corner of the world where he does not have to deal with the intrusion of unwanted facts: much the same way that Bill Bennett and Geraldo Rivera have done for about the same period of time. Completely oblivious to a fact that was apparent to the casual moviegoer long ago (That Stallone is (his Oscar win for the original Rocky notwithstanding) a lousy actor.) he continues to spend his time doing projects that turn him into the laughingstock of Hollywood.

Prior to this recent announcement, the biggest Stallone news that came out of Hollywood so far in 2003 was the plans for a sixth Rocky movie as well as possibly a fourth Rambo film. Of course, the ink had not yet dried on either of those announcements when the geriatric Rocky/Rambo jokes started flying. As Joe Queenan noted in an excellent op-ed for The Wall Street Journal: “Is the aging Mr. Stallone oblivious to the ridicule he will attract if he climbs into the ring one more time? Is he unaware that the torch has been passed to a new generation, that Rocky's time has come and gone?”

While the answer to the questions that Queenan posed is a resounding yes, there is a sense that the Rocky and Rambo series has become a fallback place for Mr. Stallone to go when he needs to make a crowd pleaser and earn some money. Despite his attempts to follow in the footsteps of two of his contemporaries (Mel Gibson and Harrison Ford), Mr. Stallone has proven again and again that he is more in-line with his 1980s chief box-office rival Arnold Schwarzenegger in terms of acting ability. As he has proven over the years in increasingly awful movies ranging from Over The Top to Judge Dredd to the recent utterly pointless Get Carter remake, Mr. Stallone is not going to give a DeNiro or a Keitel or even the aforementioned Gibson or Ford a run for their money. Can anyone reading this seriously imagine Mr. Stallone playing William Wallace or playing a big-city cop who is civilized by the Amish? I thought not. When one thinks of Mr. Stallone playing anyone, it’s either Rocky or Rambo or golf.

For those who have forgotten, Stallone has tried branching out and met with disastrous results each time. He tried his hand at a musical with the aforementioned Rhinestone and met with appalling results. He tried to follow in Arnold’s footsteps and do comedy. He met with appalling results (Oscar, Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot). He tried to restyle himself as a serious dramatic actor and (aside from Cop Land, which was actually pretty good, mainly due to good performances from Keitel, DeNiro and Ray Liotta) the results were appalling (Over The Top, Fist). He even went so far as to try his hand at playing a secondary role in 2001’s “Driven” and the result was (say it boys and girls) appalling.

All of these aforementioned movies do not bode well for this attempt by Mr. Stallone to re-style himself as a hero for the hip-hop generation. So the best prescription for this problem is the one offered by Queenan in his Wall Street Journal piece: quit whining and just accept the Rocky and Rambo sequels as necessary evils. Necessary in saving us from having to suffer through “Rhinestone II: Sly Goes Hip-Hop” or “Cobra III”. Leave the man alone and let him stuff his bank account until he can retire to Florida and continue his action hero role on the fourth hole.


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