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The Rise and/or Fall of the House of Hollywood (??)

by : DokBrowne [ email this article to a friend ]
 
Let us not mince words - this has been a lousy year at the movies so far. The summer sucked, the spring had even less to offer than usual, and most of the few exceptional films I've seen are either not even arguably 2006 releases ("Brick") or are more or less unjustifiable ("Running Scared", "The Protector"). But thankfully, as expected, the fall schedule has a lot of silver lining (which might be hard to locate amidst all the garbage that will still be destroying your movie-loving soul). Granted, it could all end in disaster, but that never happens...never could happen...oy. Anyway, here's another gratingly opinionated breakdown of all upcoming releases until the end of the year, as foretold by yours truly. Every publication in existence has covered this topic with more information and dignified commentary than I could ever match, but how many write for OOFnet? In the land of the blind...

Anyway, I'm sure I'm right about at least one of these. Let's find out!


SEPTEMBER 15
Gridiron Gang (F) - I realize that underdog sports movies will still be en vogue 500 years from now, but the very thought of them gives me hives. The Rock is a decent guy, but I think audiences have invested too much in him as a movie star. He's bland. We already had "Take the Lead" this year, and a "Longest Yard" remake last year. Give us a break, for the love of God

Everyone's Hero (D) - it's sad how animated films went from "a big deal" to "another half-assed one released every damn weekend of the year". The premise for this one is among the thinnest in movie plot history, itself an achievement that is becoming commonplace amongst the glut of recent cartoon features. And Christopher Reeve's stamp on the production really doesn't leave me with an opinion...at all. The icing on the cake of me never wanting to see this? Co-starring Whoopi Goldberg.

The Black Dahlia (A) - now HERE'S a movie to get excited about. Granted, DePalma is as reliable as, uh...something you can never rely on...but being a somewhat legendary director with a distinctive, occasionally brilliant style, you can't help but burst with curiosity at what he's going to do next. And this already looks infinitely better than "Mission to Mars", with its revival of film noir (the essentials of which I have serendipitously been soaking up lately), dazzling shots, and superb cast. I'd see Josh Hartnett and Scarlett Johansson in anything, but a high class, possible return-to-form DePalma mystery? It's like I won the lottery.

The Last Kiss (C-) - Zach Braff wills himself into typecasting with an apparent "Garden State" knockoff, sans visual creativity. Make no mistake, I was a big fan of "State" but in its ascent to Defining Gen-Y Classic, it wore out its welcome, and now we're supposed to be suckered in again? Tony Goldwyn, a likable character actor, has a very spotty directing history, and the only bright spot, other than its minor potential to carve out an effective niche, is Jacinda Barrett, who's gotten some buzz for her performance. That's kind of exciting, because I strangely liked her in the otherwise awful "Poseidon" earlier this year

Haven (D) - From the trailer I don't get what it's supposed to be about or what approach it's going for, and I was driven to distraction trying to comprehend Orlando Bloom playing a person in modern times (yes, he did so prominently last fall in "Elizabethtown" and back in "Black Hawk Down" but it's still bizarre, maybe because he wasn't very convincing in either of those movies). All in all, looks dull.

Aurora Borealis (B) - haven't seen a trailer and I'm sure no one will ever see it (its theatrical release will consist of about 3 from coast to coast, I assume), but it stars Joshua Jackson and has lots of pathos, my two favorite things, so I'll seek it out with an open mind and irrationally high expectations.

Beer League (F) - I wish you were dead, Artie Lange. Oh, and Broken Lizard beat you to the punch, douche bag.


SEPTEMBER 22
All the King's Men (C-) - well, even though I agree that it looks bad, I was always hoping this would turn out to be at least solidly good, if not great. The original is somewhat overrated, and thus lent itself welcomely to the concept of a remake, one that could possibly smooth out the kinks or provide a better approach. It started well, with a pretty startling cast of A-listers, but yeah, it looks dull, and Sean Penn is in phony overacting mode, which I loathe. 2 hours of him foaming at the mouth is almost as repulsive a notion as 2 hours of him playing a mentally handicapped guy.

Flyboys (C) - I realize "Annapolis" was a totally different movie, but maybe it's the James Franco/some branch of the military/modest matinee filler melodrama connection between the two that makes this movie look redundant. Except that there are more special effects in this one, odd for something "based on a true story". I'm particularly curious about the verity of the scene in the trailer in which Franco runs across an exploding blimp. Could still be worth a watch, I suppose, with all its fancy visuals, but it seems like uninspired hogwash.

The Science of Sleep (A+) - As perfect as this movie sounded on paper - the dreamworld as interpreted by Michel Gondry - at first I had a weird suspicion that it would be kinda boring. That is, until I saw the trailer, which is so dazzling in so many ways that I'm now worried the movie itself won't be able to live up to it. Either way, this looks like a mile-long frontrunner for best movie of the year.

Jackass: Number Two (B) - say I'm what's wrong with America, but I liked the first one and I'm glad the boys are back in town. It's simple escapism.

Fearless (B-) - here's hoping it shares some of "Hero"'s virtues. Could be an artful masterpiece, or at least hopefully a respectable and impressive action epic, but could also be tediously languid and boringly derivative like "House of Flying Daggers". The trailer doesn't lean either way, really - it has some good parts but isn't mind-blowing, but trailers aren't usually reliable when it comes to more ambitious films. We'll see.

Feast (B) - sign me up. Anything reminiscent of "From Dusk Til Dawn" sounds good to me, and Henry Rollins can only make it better. It might suck like 99% of horror movies but like 100% of the time, I'll still look forward to it anyway.


SEPTEMBER 29
The Guardian (F) - no thanks. This is a pairing of celebrities that just sounds wrong in every way, given how prone both stars are to disaster. Individually sure, Kutcher can appear in good movies and Costner was even experiencing a small return to dignity by playing to his limited yet undeniable strengths in "Open Range" and "The Upside of Anger", but now he's trying to be an action hero again, and in a cheesy, cliched plot. He should know better by now.

Open Season (D) - oh good, Ashton Kutcher again...with Martin Lawrence, an even scarier partner as far as Actors Who Invariably Suck All the Time No Matter What. And it's another cartoon, and it's about domestic animals escaping into the wild...seriously. The madness must end. This animated adventure seems more offensive than most because it's trailers have been airing non-stop since last year.

School for Scoundrels (D+) - I'm tired of Billy Bob Thornton's callous jerk routine. It always appears in tepid, wannabe-risque black comedies and always bores. Not that he isn't good at it, just that the arenas for his schtick always suck. This doesn't look any different. Jon Heder hasn't proven he can do anything besides Napoleon Dynamite, and even though I'm technically a fan of Todd Phillips' doofus-comedy canon ("Road Trip", "Old School", not "Starsky & Hutch"), he still seems like a complete asshole, so I've no faith in this.

The Last King of Scotland (B) - this looks like one of those movies that was tailored explicitly for an unappreciated actor. We're probably supposed to care about its story and protagonist (Tumnus from last year's "Narnia"), but Forest Whitaker will be the only thing we remember about the movie, and in a good way (because he richly deserves a "breakout" performance like this).

A Guide to Recognizing Your Saints (C+) - don't know much about it beyond cast (good) and plot (eh). I'll give it benefit of the doubt for now, until horrible reviews start rolling in...


OCTOBER 6

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning (F) - proof that Hollywood doesn't follow the gospel of OOFNet, because if they ever read my review of the 2003 "Chainsaw" remake, this sequel to the remake would never have evolved past some junior executive's passing thought. The scary thing is, a lot of people liked the remake (hell, even I WANTED to, before I saw it) and it made good bank, so God knows how many more Leatherface movies there will be in my lifetime and the next. Typically horror sequels, even bad ones, are an acceptable evil in society, I think, because it's just a nice tradition. But not when even the leadoff episode in the series is utter crap. In those cases it's just plain painful to see a new entry every couple years. Rest assured, unless a miracle occurs, this will be exactly the same as the 2003 movie, exactly as bad if not worse. I'm sure it will try to mimic the qualities of the 1974 original (the trailer features a replica of the infamous dinner scene that I assumed would be in the 2003 version), especially since it claims to be a "prequel" (leaving me to expect countless lame in-jokes about the saga's lore), but it'll just end up recycling the same formula as every slasher flick. And anyway, how can the exact same scenario occur so many times with the Leatherface clan? They could at least try to vary the events at hand, maybe have the family go out into the world for their attacks, or something, anything. Finally, R. Lee Ermey was horrible and unpleasant in the 2003 version, so of course he is promoted to primary bad guy this time. Leatherface who? Good one, Michael Bay!

Alex Rider: Operation Stormrider (C-) - sounds like a British "Agent Cody Banks" for slightly older kids. Not promising. But then, there's a sparkling supporting cast including Ewan McGregor, Bill Nighy, Stephen Fry, and Mickey Rourke, so hopefully it was a genuinely good idea and not just a fat payday that attracted these and even more familiar faces to this dubious-seeming project.

Employee of the Month (F) - slacker comedies are usually my forte, but a lot of their charm rests on the actors at work in them. This has Dane Cook and Jessica Simpson, and I can hardly think of people I hate more than these two. It also has Dax Shepard, who has been surprisingly decent in movies so far but has the obnoxious gene in him (having worked on "Punk'D", for one thing), and Harland Williams...and Efren Ramirez... In short, a must to avoid.

The Departed (B+) - It's Scorsese, so anticipation is enormous, and the cast is fully loaded, but something about it looks too conventional, both visually and narratively. I trust Scorsese to bring his masterful touch to it, though, and with any luck it could be one of the year's best.

The Queen (C) - doesn't sound terribly interesting to me personally, but it looks like something that could have "critical darling" written all over it, so I might end up liking it in spite of myself


OCTOBER 13
The Grudge 2 (F) - Sarah Michelle Gellar takes the Jamie Lee Curtis route and dies in the beginning, leaving nothing of interest for me here. If its quality in relation to "The Grudge 1" is of the same proportions as "The Ring" (very good) to "The Ring Two" (very, very, very bad), this would have to be the worst movie ever made, which the unbearably stupid and deafening trailer certainly seems intent on suggesting.

Sunshine (B-) - sounds intruiging. Sci-fi mysteries always appeal to me, and I like that Danny Boyle keeps trying different things.

Man of the Year (F) - I keep wanting to defend Robin Williams in the court of public opinion. He's annoying, yes, and his movies have sucked longer than anyone can remember, but he's a talented guy. He just needs a good project to bring that out again. But my resolve has weakened, and his latest looks very taxing. Barry Levinson is severely hit or miss, and this is more or less a guaranteed miss. There's just something self-defeating about a comedy where the thrust of the main character is that he's TRYING to be funny. Unless we're supposed to laugh at the ways he tries and fails, it's just too smug of a concept. It can't work.

The Marine (F) - the wrestling federation continues its infiltration of the movie business with this action movie starring one of their lugheads. I'm sure it's PG-13 and bland as they come, but even if it wasn't, it'd have a lot to live up to, after "Running Scared", "The Protector", and "Crank" made XXXtreme silliness the prevailing trend this year.

Shortbus (C+) - it's gotten a lot of hype so I'm definitely curious, but I don't have any solid opinion just yet. Could be overrated from the sound of it, but I WAS wondering what John Cameron Mitchell was up to ever since "Hedwig"...

Little Children (C) - one of those Oscar bait movies that you know is probably going to be good, but still sounds like a chore. The plot isn't that interesting and as much as I like Kate Winslet, her nor the rest of the cast seem that dependable. If it's great, great, but I see no reason to be excited at the moment

Driving Lessons (C) - could be a winner, or could be too cute


OCTOBER 20

Flags of Our Fathers (B)


MORE TO COME


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