Months ago, this summer seemed promising. Then Entertainment Weekly layed out the entire schedule, and I couldn't find the precise coolness. A few big sequels, Harrison Ford, Adam Sandler, Spielberg, John Woo, official Disney toon, M. Night Shyamalan, Soderbergh, Tom Hanks, and various buzzed-about indies. The trappings of a great season, right? On the flip side: "Austin Powers" is getting redundant, "MiB2" is cool but can't repeat the fervor of its first outing, "Spy Kids 2" is cool too but is being completely ignored so far, the Jack Ryan movies are boring terrorist thriller crap, and we experienced "Star Wars" before summer even started, so that's behind us now. Harrison Ford's movie looks like a sub-Jack Ryan adventure. The "Mr. Deeds" trailers aren't funny, and although I'm sure it will be a likable movie, the fact that it co-stars washed-out Winona Ryder seriously ruins its potential (and I used to adore her, dammit). I'm scared to admit, but "Minority Report" and "Windtalkers" are not intriguing whatsoever. One is "A.I." on a smaller (read: meaningless action-oriented) scale, the other yet another pretentious war movie ("We Were Soldiers", "Hart's War", half a dozen other from 2001). Hawaii getting the lush Disney treatment is a most thrilling concept indeed, but the animation, as in "Atlantis", is not up to snuff, and sympathizing with that little alien guy may be a challenge. "Signs" would have more word-of-mouth enticement going for it if we hadn't been seeing previews for it non-stop since last year, and if the whole "incredible hush-hush mystery" angle wasn't so obviously Shyamalan's only selling gimmick. While we can appreciate Soderbergh's unique approach to "Full Frontal", the project itself appears to be below his abilities, and that trailer is not flattering one bit. Plus: Julia Roberts? Certain doom. Can't stand her. Tom Hanks' new movie gets points merely for it being a new Tom Hanks movie. His superfame somehow limits the amount of work he can do at any time. This has resulted in one movie every 2 years, almost as stingy as Jodie Foster. If only his supporting cast this time were more to my liking, and the story wasn't a crime drama. Nothing interests me about the mob. Then there's "Spider-Man", but like "Episode 2" it was over and done with before we entered the summer movie mindset, and as it was more hype blitzkrieg than motion picture anyway, there's no point lingering on what merit it may've had. I may be cynical, but hardly ever THIS nasty. For once in a very long time, I have no overall positive expectations for this summer whatsoever. Here's me breaking it down into groups, then ending this pointless article:
Movies That Look Cool/Enjoyable to Me Personally But Look Really Gay/Obnoxious From an Objective/Realistic Standpoint, And Will Most Likely Suck All Ass
1) Scooby Doo
2) Halloween 9
3) Eight-Legged Freaks
Movies That Should Be Cooler Than They Look, But Alas, Look Boring
1) Minority Report
2) Full Frontal
3) The Country Bears
4) Road to Perdition
5) Simone
Sounds Fun But Will Probably Be Extremely Average, If Not Downright Laughable(as befits their trashy visual style)
1) Reign of Fire
2) XXX
Jesus, I'd Rather Set Myself on Fire Than See These Lousy Sacks o' Crap
1) Bad Company
2) Divine Secrets of the [Shudder] Sisterhood
3) Like Mike
4) Crocodile Hunter Movie
5) Stuart Little 2
6) Pluto Nash
7) Master of Disguise
8) Windtalkers
9) Enough
10) Spirit: Stallion of the Whatever
11) Juwanna Man
12) The Bourne Identity
13) K-19: The Widowmaker
You'd Think I'm Just Too Fancying Myself Too Old for Cartoons, But Seriously, These Look Dumb, and Why Must They Use the Word "Movie" in Their Titles?
1) Hey Arnold! The Movie
2) The Powerpuff Girls Movie
Hey, This Could Actually Be Good! Marginally.
1) Undercover Brother
2) Pumpkin
3) Igby Goes Down
4) The Good Girl
5) The Dangerous Lives of Altar Boys
Could Be a Great Summer Movie if All Those People Who Raved about Michelle Rodriguez in "Girlfight" Had Just Kept Their Fucking Mouths Shut
1) Blue Crush
Could Be a Great Romantic Comedy (Jason Lee AND Selma Blair!) if Julia Stiles Wasn't in it, Much Less the Lead
1) A Guy Thing
James Spader AND Maggie Gyllenhaal!
1) Secretary
Marc Blucas: A Charming Guy Who Deserves More Chances
1) Sunshine State
2) They
Sorry, Clint Eastwood, I Know You're a Talented Guy and All, But I Just Can't Get Into Your Movies. They're Moody, Old-Fashioned Dramas. Not My Style. I Still Respect You, Though, If That Helps
1) Blood Work
I Like Romantic Comedies/Teen Movies More Than Anyone, But Even I've Got Limits on How Generic the Material Can Get. Blech
1) Serving Sara
2) Swimfan
Seen One Trailer Where Robin Williams is an Evil Maniac, You Seen 'Em All
1) One Hour Photo
Because Steve Buscem is The Man, Even in Idiot Comedies
1) Mr. Deeds
People Reading For 2 Hours Under the Pretense of Symmetrical, Time-Crossed Love Stories? Mmm, Not So Much. Gwyneth Paltrow? Yes Please
1) Possession
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