M.K.’s Top Ten Movies of All Time
*subject to change*
1. Silence of the Lambs
Anthony Hopkins is so freaking cool, he makes you want to be a cannibal. Now that’s movie magic.
2. The Matrix
Don’t believe what the stoners tell you: this movie will rock your world without the grass. There’s a deep plot for the thinkers, a vision of a brave new world for the sci-fi geeks, bullet time for the action buffs and lots of leather for everybody.
3. The Sixth Sense
Do NOT let anybody tell you the ending or this movie doesn’t work. Also, do NOT go to see Pay It Forward or this movie really doesn’t work.
4. Memento
Gimmicky? Maybe. But who the hell cares when the movie is this rockin’. Plus anything that has Jorga Fox gets extra bonus points. Why do you think C.S.I. is the top-rated show on television?
5. Moulin Rouge
Sure, it’s a musical. Sure, Nicole Kidman is no Celine. Sure, the songs are stolen. These are all good things, I swear.
6. The Shawshank Redemption
Hands down the best movie ending in the history of movie endings. Except for when Sandy dumped Danny at the end of Grease and drove off into the sunset with Rizzo…wait, never mind. This is the best movie ending in the history of movie endings.
7. Terminator 2
Don’t let Linda Hamilton’s arms scare you off.
8. Requiem for a Dream
Forget drugs: this movie will scare you off cigarettes, caffeine, sugar, and anything else that’s got a snowball’s chance in hell of being addictive. It’s that compelling. In fact, this movie should be required viewing for anybody who wants to graduate high school. Yet nobody under 17 can see it. Damm you, Ratings Board! Damm you to hell!
9. Run Lola Run
The only sub-titled movie I can stomach.
10. The Fugitive
You’ll be quoting Tommy Lee Jones’s “dog house” speech for months. Plus, the best train wreck ever. Except for I am Sam. But that’s a different kind of train wreck.
Top Ten Underrated Movies
1. Grease 2
The cast sings a song called “Reproduction” and has Michelle Pheiffer straddling a ladder while wearing leather pants. See, it’s already better than E.T.
2. Can’t Hardly Wait
If only they’d been allowed to keep Crying Drunk Girl. Again, rot in hell, Ratings Board!
3. Return to Oz
Better than the original. Darker, better plot, and no puke-inducing songs from the Lollipop Dorks.
4. Aliens 4
If only Aliens 3 hadn’t turned us all away from this franchise!
5. Batman Forever
I know, I know: it’s got Val Kilmer and a clearly pissed-off Tommy Lee Jones. Why watch? Jim Carry and Nicole Kidman.
6. Charlie’s Angels
People said this movie was only an excuse to show off three pretty girls. And that’s wrong because…
7. Star Trek: First Contact
This movie has such a strong plot, such sharp effects, and so many humorous moments that were actually on purpose that I am tempted to put it on my Top Ten list. Why don’t I? Data overload.
8. Best in Show
God loves a terrier.
9. Speed
See, Keanu Reeves CAN say more than one word at a time without sounding stupid.
10. Mulan
This movie suffered from bad timing. It belonged in the Beauty and the Beast era and was born post-Lion King, AKA After Disney Jumped the Shark.
Top Ten Worst Movies
1. Ballistics: Ecks v. Sever
The only movie I ever walked out of from sheer boredom.
2. Batman 4
Alicia Silverstone as Batgirl? As if!
3. Aliens 3
Note to all Hollywood actresses: DO NOT SHAVE YOUR HEAD.
4. Soul Survivor
Even Eliza Dushku couldn’t rescue this plot-less, poorly-marketed stink-hole.
5. The Piano
So long….so very, very long. I was ready to cut my fingers off if it would have ended this muddled tale of Woman/Uptight Prick Husband/Earthy Sexual Dude/Bratty Daughter earlier.
6. Seven Brides for Seven Brothers
They actually sing a SONG about the rape of the Sabine women. A freakin SONG.
7. Blue Lagoon
(Shudder).
8. Fantasia
Should come with a warning label: if you’re high enough to enjoy this movie, get to a hospital.
9. Office Space
So overrated. This is one of those cult movies the cool indie kids like to quote to make the dorky mainstreamers feel stupid. Except this time the cool indie kids forgot to make sure this movie was good enough to be cult-worthy.
10. Its Pat: The Movie
Why does Saturday Night Live continue to torture us so?
11. The Matrix: Reloaded
Oh man. All those Wachowski brothers had to do was make sure the sequel didn’t suck and LOOK WHAT THEY DID. If you liked the first movie, don’t see this one unless you want your soul ripped out and your hopes for the future of mankind dashed to bits.
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