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DokBrowne [ 0.0 ]
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Motherfucker...the first 30 minutes of this could count as the absolute worst movie I have ever seen. The remaining 60 are horrible as well, but at least there's a lot - a LOT - of comeuppance for Madonna, who has somehow achieved the status of bitchiest goddamn loathsome bitch of all time. It's grotesquely fitting that she's also extremely ugly, even more so than usual (I've never found her attractive, but I don't see how anyone could possibly argue for her looks after seeing this. What the hell is Guy Ritchie's problem? Does he actually believe that he's captured the beauty of his own wife in those early scenes? She looks like a monster). What fascinates me most is what Guy Ritchie might have possibly been thinking the whole time. Did he want her to be portrayed this way? It's his wife! I mean, artistic integrity and all, but after seeing his last 2 movies it's obvious Guy Ritchie is all about indulgence and self-satisfaction. Does he secretly hate Madonna or something? I prayed and begged for that whole revenge twist in the middle of the film; if Guiseppe hadn't shown Madonna who's the fucking boss, I guarantee this would be my least favorite movie EVER. But I can't believe how long and utterly satisfying it was. Movies - particularly pretentious ones like this - just don't give audiences what they want like that, and definitely not with as much gusto. Ultimately, in my attempt to be objective, I assume this is all just Guy Ritchie's ultra-heavy-handed (not to mention totally sickening) attempt to spell out the whole balance of power between the genders idea evoked by the original film. He just doesn't understand that there's a limit to how dislikable a storyteller can make a character without ruining any chance for their redemption. Honestly, I spent most of that first half contemplating all the ways in which Guiseppe could and should have both told her off and murdered the fuck out of her. It was unbearable. And then, when they "fall in love" without any comprehensible reason - it just seems like she defeatedly accepts the terms of having to love him in order to survive - my mind started to wander, 'cuz I was completely disengaged from the story at that point. There's no way he could ever love her, or vice versa. And then, jeez, that soppy climax where they're all acting like caricatures in a soap opera? Why, Guy Ritchie, why? Bruce Greenwood's character turns into Mr. Evil, when before he seemed like a perfectly decent guy, just to try and sustain the outrageous lie that Madonna is now worthy of our sympathy? You try to trick us - poorly - into rooting for these 2, and then you give us the finger at the end with a lame, pointless, melodramatic tragedy? There are too many things wrong with this movie; I should quit while I'm still at the tip of the iceberg, though I should add that beyond the frustrating abuse of characterization, what sucks nearly as much about this movie is the way Ritchie directs it. First of all, it's edited awfully, with the wrong tone ending every scene (like Ritchie had no real purpose for much of the material, and couldn't even make shit up to fill in the gaps and make it look smooth) and no sense of pace whatsoever. Also, the timing on line deliveries is constantly askew, many of the shots are amateurish, and the style feels so awkward and chopped up and all-around weak that if this movie wasn't changed and changed and changed by the studio like so many other obvious disasters ("Supernova" is what first comes to mind), then Guy Ritchie's ineptitude as a filmmaker belongs atop a Hall of Shame somewhere.
Christ, I haven't even brought up the musical numbers. Let's just they redefine the words "gratuitous" and "boring" and "boy did that musical number suck", and that, against all of my instincts as an obedient film viewer, I couldn't help but fast forward through them (I think there were 2). What is going ON, Guy Ritchie? I don't expect Orson Welles from you, but Ed Wood? At least he had a naive innocence. On top of its stupidity, "Swept Away" is pure ugliness
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jeff_v [ 0.0 ]
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Yes, this movie really is as bad as they it is. Swept Away earns the first spot on my Desert Island list of films I'd least want to take with me. The capital offenders are Guy Ritchie (whose adapted screenplay is vapid) and Madonna (whose acting is atrocious). Stay away from this movie! It's not even so-bad-it's-funny. It's so bad it's bewildering.
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| Weighted Rating | : 3.8 |
| No. Ratings | : 4 | |
| No. Reviews | : 2 | |
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